“I had spent those years materializing Mother’s Message and trying to give its Sense, then struggling to keep her Agenda intact and free. But the main thing was still to be done: to pick up the thread of the true story, the Adventure of the species in the body’s cells, and how can one change all this “human” system? The next step of Evolution before our Earth is destroyed once more by its present inhabitants.”
October 12, 2000
An immersion into Satprem’s daily notebooks, “the continuation of The Agenda”, as he found it out little by little in his body, and the confirmation, if necessary, that Sri Aurobindo and Mother have accomplished EVERYTHING and that the path is open for all those who are willing. Satprem throws himself body and soul into the Apocalypse of our matter and does us the grace of noting down the process. We’ll never forget. May we express our gratitude by trying, in turn, to follow in Their footsteps.
July 31, 1982
What I call ‘Divine’ is not the God of religions, but what a few bold precursory fish of yore might have said: it is the next oxygen or the next sun. In the same way, I adopt Mother’s language, which spoke to my heart, and sometimes I say ‘Lord,’ but it is not the biblical or evangelical Lord: it is the next master of the Earth, or the master of the next Earth.
Mother used to say: ‘the next Divine’.
November 14, 1982
… The goal is not to become powerful, but to awaken the consciousness and power of the cells from within — nothing to do with ‘siddhis’ [yogic powers] or “spiritual power,” quite another matter. I have understood that only the Supreme and the supreme Power can do the work; a direct contact between the Supreme Divine and the aspiring soul is needed—nothing in between, no intermediary, no gods or goddesses. It is something absolutely new with no connection with the old powers, even the greatest known powers. In simple terms, it is a matter of complete, sincere and simple surrender. To the Supreme alone, or Sri Aurobindo and the Mother—nothing else.
April 6, 1983
Any sincere man, thirsting a little for truth, must be able to make the experience.
June 27, 1983
It is a new Life in the body.
I have touched a new life.
It is another type of life on Earth.
Truly, something that is unknown amidst men. How could I describe it?
It is a LIFE, a mode of life, a vibration of life, a state of life, not a state of « consciousness. » A different way.
There is a type of animal life, there is a type of vegetal life, there is (I suppose) a type of mineral and atomic life – well, there is ANOTHER type of LIFE. And it is material, corporeal, cellular, in a human being which is made up as all human bodies are. But it is DIFFERENT. It is no longer the old life which flows along with blood, nerves, veins – a whole mechanism which seems « hard », dry, brutal, and above all very primitive. It is SOMETHING ELSE, which nonetheless takes place in an animal body.
Mother spoke of it, said it, but … to feel it, to live it is miraculous.
It is MIRACULOUS.
Nobody can imagine – it has to be LIVED, DRUNK, EXPERIENCED, tasted…. What would a peach say, if it had to describe its own peach’s succulence?
And curiously enough, it has more to do with vegetal life or sensation than with animal life and sensation – animal life is very brutal, excited, nervous, palpitating and turbulent…. This is… I don’t know, an invasion of succulent sun: it is tasted innumerably, in a billion cells at the same time, as if each cell were tasting its particular delight.
It began this morning instantly when I sat down quietly, and it came very-very softly: a swelling in the whole body, a kind of blooming, as if all that, which was rather hard and closed on itself, swelled up everywhere, innumerably, as if under the effect of a magic sun. A delightful and ‘swelling’ softness, like an innumerable currant bush, if I may say so, of which every berry would fill up with its own solar juice. Then it was like an invasion, but very soft, delicious, charming and warm, through all the pores of the body, as if it came in from everywhere at the same time and were felt, tasted, lived innumerably in the body: a juice, truly a nectar, the body and each cell felt gorged with sun, but a sun that would be composed of food, smile and joy at the same time! It was nourishing, just as honey can be nourishing, but at the same time there was like plenty of smile and joy and love in that sun flow. It is MIRACULOUS. And it is life — not a nervous, sanguine and beating life, but another type. It flows, fills up, breathes and gives out warmth in the whole body, it is a superlife – it is DIVINE. It is the DIVINE that flows. One is gorged like a fruit. Oh, it is an unimaginable delight.
Then, that innumerable invasion – as if every cell, each of those billions of cells were being filled up with delight – that opening within, that blossoming of ease, that swelling of sun and smile, slowly became stronger, denser. It was a kind of full solidity, I don’t know, a dense beam, of a solid sun. One was seized in that and one only had to adore it. Adore and adore. An adoration of the body. That is the Divine life. Living God. It is THAT.
It is the Life which is coming.
It is nourishing and miraculous.
… One well understands that death and illness simply don’t exist in that type of life. They cannot exist.
December 2, 1983
We erect around us the bronze walls of our infallible laws, which are only the temporary hallucinations of a terrestrial species on its way towards the Truth of the Earth.
January 5, 1984
Each time, it is miraculous.
I don’t have the courage to note down and flatten that Marvel.
First, that flow of Nectar in all the veins, the fibers, the cells − like a marvellous balm, an ointment for all the wounds of Matter. And it streamed and streamed, filling the thousands and millions of alveoli of the body with a Youth – the body was drinking that as if after thousands of years of thirst. It is strange, it is miraculous, it cannot be told. For one hour, the body drank that with a divine ecstasy. At one point, I felt or it felt: it will be that, the next food and the new breathing − perhaps even the new irrigation of the body. My words flatten everything, I force myself to note down. And so powerful! If there is a “summit” of terrestrial bodies, it can only be that.
But after one hour, something happened that I cannot tell, something that was so unknown, so new that it has no human equivalent. There was a slow-slow immobility in the whole body, an extraordinarily dense and powerful immobility, and in that, for half an hour, something happened that I cannot tell or even define − it is beyond human sensations, there is no corresponding organ yet, not even a possible translation. Perhaps it is how the caterpillar becomes a butterfly, but when no caterpillar has yet become a butterfly and no butterfly is yet there to say what a butterfly is, what can one say? One is pushed, catapulted into the unknown. But there, I cannot even say “catapulted” − strangely, it was a nothing that was something. A strange immobility. The sensation (perhaps) of a metamorphosis without any move. If the body had not had the radical experiences it had, it would have felt at once: I am going to die, or I am dying. That is, one completely leaves the terrestrial known sensations. And yet my body was perfectly awake, it was not fainting; only something was happening, or something was happening in it, and that something was totally unknown and new, without any human equivalent − as if one was going into something else but without moving! No, really, I cannot say anything, it sounds completely crazy. It was as if something that was extraordinary was happening, and at the same time as if nothing was happening! There was no organ to understand what was happening. That’s it. And it lasted for half an hour.
Only a very sacred inner feeling.
But it was perfectly corresponding (for the old sensations) to the passage from life to “death” (“death”, that is, something that is unknown to the normal life). Yes, it is perhaps how one changes from the caterpillar to the butterfly. But there, there is no butterfly, there only remains a caterpillar, apparently! And yet it is something else.
I’d better be silent.
The only compass is the Supreme.
January 14, 1984
Undoubtedly, the forces are doing everything they can to destroy the human Mind or, as Mother would say, to “dementalize” men. And the strangest thing (or the most ironical) is that Science, that triumph of the human brain, is the first agent of that self-destruction of the collective intelligence. It is an evolutionary phenomenon that is similar to the disappearing of gills or fins in fish. It is the central organ that is affected. That is to say, the human Mind, whose central function was observation and discernment − our fins in the world − is being systematically, and one could say scientifically clouded and confused, addled under a monstrous flood of “information”, “discoveries,” “ideas”, each more marvellous than the next, and of slogans each more insidious than the next, which cancel one another and muddle one another in the highly echoing and hypnotizing racket of the journalistic, radiophonic, videophonic, microphonic means which devastate as many consciousness as they devastate forests. The last discoveries of astrophysics, biology, paleontology, mingle with the last discoveries of spirituality, sects, yogis and healers − everything is “discovered” and nothing is healed or understood. All theories are equally valid and all ideas are equally valid, and nothing is valid anymore and nobody knows the direction or the sense anymore. Humans are losing their human fins and are rolling down into the mud under the pressure of the thousand of currents they no longer know how to check or understand − they have understood everything and they no longer understand anything. They are less endowed with intelligence and sense of observation than the Neanderthal man who, at least, knew how to find his way in the great primary forest. There is no way anymore, there are millions of ways and all are equally valid and are equally nulls − equally true, equally false. There is no truth any more: everything is suspicious − even Mother’s Agenda in her own Ashram or even in Auroville (!). There is no Church anymore, there are thousand Churches; there is no wicked Kremlin and virtuous White House any more − virtues have become wicked and sometimes wickedness has virtues. That is, the complete Mud in human ex-minds. The “catastrophe” will not be a nuclear one: it is already there, and it is a mental catastrophe. They have not even enough intelligence to notice their catastrophe and they continue inventing super-means and super-slogans to mask their fundamental deficiency − never were written so many millions of books for null minds (unless it is to annul minds), never had we so many millions of pieces of information to disinform intelligences.
When a species loses its central organ, it must invent another one, or die, or give up its place to the species which will know how to invent the other organ. […] No, it is no longer the time to “explain” to men − they will hear no explanation − it is the time of DOING.
We must develop the other organ.
March 19, 1984
It wasn’t something
happening to me:
“I” was part of
That was happening.
There was no I,
There was an
It’s almost impossible to tell or to understand what happened this morning.
I can try a few approximations (out of duty).
First, as soon as I sat, it was: life’s meaning is changing completely! (life the way it is understood by physiologists and naturalists.) There was that fantastic intensity of suction from life’s millions of fibres in the body, and it wasn’t the same life they pumped. The roots were completely turned upside down, it was another milieu – a milieu without death in it. The dominant sensation was that: there was no more death in there. It was a formidable intensity, those millions of fibres which drunk, pumped – in the past there would have been a kind of fear or anxiety that “it may burst”; but not at all! The cells, the fibres, well, all that primitive power of the body, not only didn’t have any fear but they didn’t even need to have “faith” – there was no need for faith! The Divine, was a FACT, like the sun and the rain, and they drunk that sun and that rain. It was really a new MILIEU, which had nothing to do with the primitive ground anymore, and the FACT is that there was no death in there. And it was the power, one could say fantastic, of those millions and billions of fibres which pumped the new life.
But then, all of a sudden a solar Mass came. I don’t know if it came from up, down or outside – the whole body was taken in the Divine, was part of the Divine, was absorbed by the Divine, and it was a Sun, but a Sun which doesn’t burn, a formidable dense Power, immobile, solar, nourishing (that is, alive) – Divine. And there was no more corporeal “I” at all in there, there was no more my body and the Sun: there was a same physical thing which gave the sensation of a compact and immobile Sun where all was ONE, including the body. That’s what dominated above all: no more corporeal I, no more corporeal limits or separation, no more little “creek” within which something unrolled – there was no more “creek”! There was only a single solar Mass everywhere and in a perfect continuity of which that kind of body was a part. There was no more “bearable” or “unbearable”: it was part of it, it was the same thing – it was very able to bear itself!
I called Sujata for her to touch a bit the phenomenon. She stayed for a long time with her hands in mine. I don’t know what she felt.
The impression towards the end: Mother here, Sri Aurobindo here, the Divine taking possession – They were here.
Perhaps it is called the “Supramental”, but it were Mother-Sri Aurobindo as if in the body or my body in theirs – there was only ONE thing and not two, and no “my” “your” “his” in there.
And then: the Divine Work on the Earth.
A kind of sensation: “it comes”, “it is”, “it’s being done” – the Work is being realized (or is on the way to realization.)
A kind of certitude or assurance: the new being is being made. The Divine IS HERE. That’s it. No “Satprem who does or let it be done”, no: the DIVINE IS HERE. That’s it. And He (She) is here physically, in Matter. And He (or She) does what he or she wants, without a fuss.
An “event”, yes: something which HAPPENS (for the Earth or on the Earth.)
June 19, 1984
When an old Primate stopped believing in apes, it was a great pessimist – but it was a great optimist of the Human. Let’s be glad about its pessimism. Let’s be the optimists of the New Being.
July 8, 1984
Only it is easier to let oneself slip into bitterness rather than grasp the old grief of life and hammer it in the inner forge so that it changes into true life.
August 23, 1984
One cannot do all that work of transformation for oneself − it is precisely that “for oneself” that must disappear!
August 31, 1984
The Apocalypse is not the end of the world, it is the end of death (and of those who have embraced the reign of death and falsehood a little too eagerly).
October 10, 1984
That For-mi-da-ble Blue Density.
Like the original cauldron.
The very Substance which all forms and all worlds have been made of.
The very Power which modelled all those forms and all those worlds.
A TOTAL adherence of the body.
An impossibility which IS. Which becomes.
There will be some changes on earth.
And the WHOLE body KNOWS that it is YOU – but so absolutely, so totally, so simply, that there is no disintegration, no cataclysm, but YOU YOU YOU who become.
A spot of earth into which You can slide.
It is totally formidable and Divine.
It could destroy everything and it can remodel everything.
December 18, 1984
There seems to be a special action in the brain. I had been already noticing it for two days, but this afternoon it was very unusual (!). The Pressure went up and went up, that dense Power became more and more dense and compact in the brain, one had the sensation that the whole cerebral matter was beginning to boil and was becoming a compact Mass, on the verge of bursting, and a fever!… But the body was so calm, so trustful – not even “trustful”: it KNEW, it had the KNOWLEDGE in its body: “it is Mother, it is Sri Aurobindo,” and it let itself go totally and without a shadow of a fear. But it was formidable! Then, when the cerebral density became absolutely compact, I felt a sort of “magnet” above which irresistibly PULLED all that Power, or that surplus Power, above the head and out of the head. Then, when the surplus or “excess” was gone, a new Mass of burning and dense Power immediately took the place of what had gone out and it was the compact boiler again. And once more that irresistible Magnet pulled the dense Power above the head − and so on. Like dense waves of compact fire which filled the cerebral matter, inflated it as much as possible, then were sucked up or “magnetized”, pulled above and out of the head.
It had formidable proportions.
And it was so MARVELLOUS to know-feel that it was You. The body told itsef: “oh! what a grace that the Earth may know that experience!” It felt that is was the Earth that had the experience, a first experience of That through an old animal matter.
Something is happening, for sure!
I let the experience or the “process” unfold nonstop for one hour and a half. I don’t know what They want to do, but They WANT something, for sure!”
January 9, 1985
This morning, once again, I carried out the “wild operation,” all turned over in the sun, grain by grain.
This afternoon: a Bath of Fire.
Something that is totally impossible, unlivable, physiologically crazy − impossible. And yet it is possible, and yet it is. And how it is possible, I don’t know. Logically, physiologically, I should have died of it − burst, pulverized (or rather boiled!). If I did not die, it is that death does not exist or that there is a type of life which totally escapes the laws of Matter.
That is all I can say.
For one hour and forty minutes nonstop.
Living Fire. Molten lava.
I never lived that to such a degree.
It is beyond death and beyond life – something that is unknown.
Another type of life.
The refutation of all the so-called ‘laws of Matter.’
January 20, 1985
As if there were no longer any limit to the expansion of the material, cellular consciousness! Well, a body holds together standing in its skin by a certain coagulation of the cellular consciousness, it is like a bag to which it is very attached, and all that changes the equilibrium of that bag or envelop causes a mortal panic. But then (mostly since yesterday), under the formidable Pressure of that blue Power, the body began to let itself go − and it went on and on, as if spreading. And what was very extraordinary is that, instead of feeling the possible bursting, instead of feeling the crushing of the blue pressure, instead of feeling that it could be pulverized at the end of that formidable inflation, like a balloon which bursts when too inflated, it let itself go-go-go, with a definitive knowledge: it is the new Law. And there was no limit any more to the spreading of that material, cellular consciousness − well, that thing that is immutable and well closed in its skin − it was spreading and spreading, without any fear. In brief, that very antinatural, antiphysiological process was lived lucidly, calmly and with a TOTAL SURRENDER to the new Law − the body KNEW! All the same, I believed that beyond a certain limit, this body could very well be pulverized or disintegrated as in an interstellar space under the effect of anothergravitation or nongravitation, but no! It was spreading and spreading and spreading materially, and it was solid and at the same time supple like an ocean, and at the same time a BODY! A spreading body! Did one ever see that?
I cannot understand. But it is lived. And above all, I am very impressed by this body which let all its moorings be cast off, its millions and billions of micro-moorings, and spreads, sails while remaining a body! It is incomprehensible. But it is a fact.
And it was all blue − blue sapphire − like an ocean, but a solid ocean! A moving solidity without any particular centre, like as many drops in the ocean. And yet, while remaining a body! It is really against all possible and imaginable laws.
And no fear at all! Well, it should have been panic stations on board that hull; but no! it knew that it was THE OTHER LAW.
It will take time to understand.
February 5, 1985
I understand more and more and better and better, so deeply, what Sri Aurobindo and Mother came to do − the material Hope they represent. Then all their “liberations” and their celestial “salvations” seem like a kind of nonsense which verges on deception.
March 10, 1985
THE DIVINE HOUR IS THERE!
THE BODY KNOWS!
THE BODY KNOWS!
For one hour and forty-five minutes this afternoon, the body in its billions of cells has totally lived the Marvellous Secret. IT KNOWS! IT KNOWS!
The Marvel is there.
It knows, because it could bear THAT.
It is in Matter that the perfect − and splendid − secret lies.
The essence of the New Being is born.
(If I can say so, for it has always been there, but now it is un-covered.)
A breach has been made in the black net of the world.
To think that each man has this Marvellous secret in his skin and nobody wants it! The “stratigraphy” is difficult, certainly, but it should become easier and easier as some beings walk the path.
June 14, 1985
The only hope is the formation of a first new being who will not let itself be “swallowed” or contaminated by the general pollution, then will “spread” and create the first nucleus of the new species. But we clearly see how we are physically surrounded from all sides by the increasing Barbary.
January 9, 1986
It is a new door that is opening in Matter.
January 18, 1986
But an old Fish had, one day, to try and breathe the newness of the open air, it is physically like that. It is difficult. And the repercussions… one doesn’t know. What is New is unknown in essence (!). We must make a hole through the old shell of the animal-mental being that we are − and want with all our strength, all our soul, something else than that appalling human life. That intense aspiration towards… That and the Mantra do the work automatically. But for that, a fierce honesty is needed: not to want to lie to oneself − to want totally Something Else than all the human marvels or abominations.
August 25, 1986
Since yesterday afternoon, something that is very unexpected is happening, in the sense that I did not imagine that it could happen “like that” − but in any case I did not know at all how it could “happen”.
There was that blue-sapphire mass which rose and rose from below and came to bang “up there,” in that cranium, like thrusts, and I thought-imagined that one day it would burst, open up there and that everything would go off… I don’t know where − into That. And that “last thrust” just did not happen and there was that excruciating neuralgia. Then, vaguely, without my understanding very well what was happening, yesterday afternoon (and still more clearly and abundantly today) I felt that at the end of that blue-sapphire wave, which could not manage to burst up there, something was happening, like a descent (but I don’t know if it is “descent” or “invasion”), well, a SOLID MASS, something that was solid like a mountain and descended slowly into the whole body, all the limbs, immobilized everything − no more neuralgia in that, no more “centre” in that − and took everything. And the sensation: the ABSOLUTE DIVINE. An ABSOLUTE that was as solid as a mountain (I would say: Sri Aurobindo + Mother). And today, the same phenomenon unfolded, but continuously, that is to say, that blue-sapphire wave rose and rose, and when it arrived “at the end of the distance”, instead of bursting up there, that penetration or that descent, solid like a mountain, happened; and when that “Mountain” arrived at the bottom of the body, a new blue-sapphire wave rose and rose, and again that solid Mass went down and down − and so forth and so on. Then, what seemed to be a little excruciating and tormenting in that blue-sapphire ascent was as if seized, caught, immobilized, invaded, solidified by that Massive Descent − and it was the ABSOLUTE. No more pain, no more I, nothing: YOU, THAT − the Marvellous You like a living mountain in the body (or rather the body in a living mountain). So, there was no question of “bursting” anymore: it was all FULL. I don’t know very well how to say it.
September 14, 1986
A denser and denser Mass which rises, a denser and denser Mass which descends.
It is indescribable and agonizing and sublime, beyond all human physiology. Only the Supreme can do that and give you the Grace of undergoing that. But an unheard-of Grace – like a Grace for the Earth. It is like a great cataclysm of nature that is happening in the body. This is certainly what Sri Aurobindo called the “supramental.”
As if one entered more and more into the heart of a crushing Sun.
For one hour and twenty five minutes. (I stopped, but it continued.)
October 30, 1986
The process is becoming very tangible (!) and clear − lived. All our life, since our first breathing in the world, we are enveloped, surrounded, closed in an invisible wall of death and we go through that wall only when we die (to realize that Life is on the other side!). But when that volcano from below rises in denser and denser waves and goes to touch or trigger or call − prompt − that volcano from above which descends in denser and denser and denser masses, the whole body has the sensation of being crushed, flattened, smashed, hunched, reduced to the state of a sort of microscopic doll − a speck, as in an implosion. BUT it is the crossing of that wall of death… that we do all alive!… to find again the Great, One, Total Reality, which is made of Love, Life at last, true Life. And it is at the moment of that crossing, in that kind of “unbearable” crushing, that we must not get the wrong reality and mistake Life for death! This is what is being lived little by little, through successive waves or successive “crushings”. And one understands that it cannot be done all at once.
But the body UNDERSTANDS.
June 23, 1987
I would more willingly say to apprentice men: you are clothed in a certain evolutionary diving suit which sticks to your skin and to your brain, and inside that diving suit you have a number of ideas and illuminations, pleasures and pains, dubious and diving-suitous ingenuities, laws, and death finally, but outside of the diving suit, it is different − go and look for the way out, if you have a spirit of adventure, it is in your own body.
July 9, 1987
Obviously, there is something New − truly NEW. Yesterday, it was already perceptible (I mean ‘analysable’), but today − this morning and this afternoon − it was very clear and it lasted enough for me to perceive the phenomenon in detail and objectively. First, after some time, there is that huge Mass which descends slowly, then all at once that very extraordinary ‘lifting,’ as if a coat were lifted from my shoulders, that shell of pain which pulls and tenses and clings like iron. It is a very extraordinary sensation, it feels like a miracle: there was that iron Coat, then it is lifted, unstuck from the body, and pfft… no surrounding, no iron hold any more, then… (it is only a prelude). Yes, that is where begins the ‘continuation’ of the phenomenon: Masses and Masses, so for-mi-da-ble − unthinkable, unimaginable, in brief, it does not exist! (or it did not exist!) and those Masses go through as if the body had no limits any more, or no usual limits. Usually, we are surrounded and locked in by innumerable, invisible guards who make for blood pressure, nerves (God knows!) and a brain submitted to a certain tension beyond which there are ‘headaches’ − in brief, all sorts of signals and barriers which we don’t touch usually or beyond which we don’t go, unless we get damage or painful lessons. Well, all those limits were as if vanished or engulfed in those formidable masses, more and more formidable, which not only went through the body but seemed to surround it on all sides, as if the body no longer received something ‘foreign’ that it had difficulty assimilating, but were part of those Masses, moved with them, one could almost say were melted into those Masses without losing its own corporeal sense for all that. It was all one only Thing. But Masses that were so ‘impossible’, so… (there is no word), but it was not ‘impossible,’ those barriers were no longer there, those physical limits were no longer there, as if the body were telling itself: well, if I were still like ten minutes ago feeling all my vertebrae, I would burst or break or disintegrate − those very Masses made it feel that it had not the same limits anymore. And if there were other limits, it no longer knew where they were. And yet it was standing on its two feet.
This afternoon, the Phenomenon lasted for perhaps half an hour (I stayed in the process for one hour and ten minutes in all).
Yes, we could say that it was the usual diving suit that was no longer there.
Let’s see how things develop…
(There is a doubting Thomas in me (!) who needs to have many certainties before having one certainty!)
August 27, 1987
I used to think that the motto of the humanists was so beautiful: Homo sum et nihil humani alienum puto. (I am a human being and nothing of what is human is foreign to me). It was the first awakening in me. I feel perfectly humanist, and at the same time, perfectly outraged by humankind as it is.
November 4, 1987
All our ‘laws’ are only the laws of our prison. There is a knowledge of the body which sees through walls and allows it to seize the next law in spite of the impossibilities and reprisals of the present law.
November 8, 1987
It is natural, it is inevitable that each transition or mutation from one species to another represents an act of death for the specimen or specimens which work out the transition or the mutation to the next species. The main thing is that we learn to survive that act of death or to live that death. Death is ‘simply’ the frontier that separates one law from the other. It is not an inevitable phenomenon, it is only difficult. Let’s say, unusual. We are completely wrong by wanting to bring ‘remedies’ to the cancer of the old species − we must change species.
… Man represents not only the possibility of willingly and consciously working out his own transition or mutation, but instead of bringing the essential material ‘qualities’ of the old species into the new one, he represents the possibility of going to the root of the Misfortune which struck all species as Darwin saw them and to undo that Misfortune in order to establish a new evolution which will no longer be founded on Unconsciousness, Pain, Mistake and all the rest of our evolutionary gropings. The great Separation from all and from everything.
Night from January, 24 to January, 25
We seem not to know many things that we know! or to know many things that we don’t know!
Intuition consists in knowing what we don’t know!
Reason consists in not knowing what we know!
April 23, 1988
I wish I could go through that Wall that prevents Truth, Beauty, Love, Joy, Vastness from invading Matter.
April 27, 1988
We see more and more, in events and in the least details of material life, that everything is done to strangle us. We are in a process of accelerated auto-strangulation. We must find the solution to that end of Man and that beginning of something else − we have not to ‘improve’ man, we have to get out of man.
July 14, 1988
I no longer know at all what ‘life’ means, as men understand it. I am only a matter which is a prey to the pains and convulsions of an unknown world. I said it a thousand times and I repeat (to myself) that one cannot do this work for oneself − for one’s illumination, one’s this or that, all the whole spiritual caboodle of liberations − because it is the complete − complete − demolition of everything that we call ‘for oneself’. One can do that only for the beauty of God. And because our whole thing is rather horrible. The virtue of our time is that we can realize that it is rather horrible. Hence the possible solution, the only solution: to find the door of the body. Everything else is rotten and fraudulent or outdated. In an ocean that is invaded by sharks, the last little fish would not seek another refuge.
August 25, 1988
I have never-never suffered such a thing.
The whole body feels that it is crushed, flatten (even the bones), reduced to a ball of matter or a pulp of matter ready to disintegrate.
One goes through the pain only with that cry − You-You alone!
I have been in those descending Masses for two years.
And not one day did it cease to be more massive and crushing.
I don’t know what all that means.
In any case, it means that our physical and physiological laws are worth nothing – NOTHING.
There is something else.
Will we be capable of the other thing?
October 10, 1988
That ‘central valve’ and that ‘central axis’ really exist. This is even a capital discovery − a discovery of the body. That ‘valve’ is situated (if we draw a vertical axis from the top of the cranium to the ground, through the middle of the brain and of the body) somewhere in the middle of the forehead or between the eyebrows − and the ‘axis’ goes down behind the nose, the mouth, etc. and through the centre of the spinal column. Dozens of times, the body had perceived ‘something that was happening’ at the level of that ‘valve,’ towards the centre of the forehead or between the eyebrows, but without understanding the functioning: it was only tossed about by that Mass of lightning like the hull of a boat in a storm. And now it clearly perceives the play or the functioning or the mechanism of that ‘valve’ and that seems to strangely change the situation and the iron resistance in the whole back. But it is still too soon to speak about it, and above all to speak about the singular effect in the whole anatomical (or ‘skeletal’!) mechanism. I must see how it develops. But it is difficult − it is superhumanly difficult to bear it without giving up a fraction of a second.
That ‘valve’ and that ‘axis’ correspond probably to what Indian Knowledge calls ‘sushumna’ and the Chinese (as Claude told me) the ‘great Yang,’ but it is far more physical than all they know, because that famous ‘Kundalini,’ I have known it for decades and it works as I breathe, but it is nothing compared to ‘that,’ it is like a pretty little brook beside a Niagara − a Total Niagara, not a ‘trickle.’ But we’ll talk about it again when it is clearer (or more ‘controlled,’ if I may say so, because it is the opposite of an individual control!) The important fact is that there is ‘something that commands,’ it is a ‘governing’ valve, as if the body were discovering the helm of its boat! (but it is not the body which manoeuvres!) (Just you try to manoeuvre the Niagara!)
(Besides, in any case, it is the contrary of the Kundalini, since it works from the top downwards and not from the bottom upwards!)
December 7, 1988
For so many years, I have sought the correct ‘position’ to bear ‘that,’ and it was the correct breathing that I should have sought. (But of course, it takes time and a few convulsions for the fish to manage to breathe the other air ‘correctly’!
May 4, 1989
Strong heart pains for a quarter of an hour, twenty minutes (I worked lying on my back). I sat up, and after fifteen minutes or so (I was calling Mother), a strange salivation came, very fluid and very abundant, which went down and flowed into my throat and… the pain stopped.
… I spoke of that salivation to Sujata, she told me immediately: is this not the nectar? (amritam?)
I don’t know, it had no particular taste (as far as I could be aware of it in that state), but it was surprisingly fluid. And very abundant: it flowed down the throat.
… I also note that when the heart pain stopped, the ‘saliva’ stopped as well. But as soon as that ‘saliva’ went down, I noticed immediately (the body immediately realized or felt) that it was not ‘natural’, it was something ‘particular.’ If that ‘saliva’ flowed all the time, the functioning would not be the same (in the whole usual mechanism of the body, perhaps even in the old necessities of food).
The sustentation of the body would probably be different and the pains would not be able to come. ‘That” would prevent them from coming − it would not come ‘after the event’ but before the event, if I may say so.
Finally, I really believe that it is that famous ‘nectar’ of the Indian tradition. But I always distrust ‘labels’ − I prefer facts. This afternoon, it was a fact.
We only know the animal mechanisms of the body, but perhaps there are divine mechanisms (!).
May 26, 1989
Again that extraordinary phenomenon of ‘floating’ or ‘fluid Masses,’ for forty five minutes this afternoon. At the beginning, during the first twenty five minutes, it was that same crushing of lightning and fire which went through and pounded and tore that kind of scrap iron of my back − really a coat of painful metal, then there was an even stronger Mass and… it began to roll like a flood tide through my back − it could crush everything, but it rolled and this body rolled in that sublime flood tide, really as if the body, my back, had changed its texture: instead of going through iron and of crushing iron, it went as if through rubber (or almost), in any case the body let itself roll freely… It was the same crushing Masses: that had not changed (at least, I suppose so), but it went through freely. A sort of inexplicable miracle.
For forty five minutes. One could almost say that there were no more vertebrae, muscles or sinews − but the body clearly felt that it had to FOLLOW the movement absolutely, to let go with it absolutely, or else everything could break.
June 6, 1989
This is my acquired, experimental conviction, at the end of those seven years of operation of which I am the ‘subject.’
A very difficult but capital point centres on that ‘sensory apparatus,’ and I once said − and I continue to say − that all the sensations are false and invented by death to keep us in its nets. Without that notion, it is impossible to walk that path, because the moment you take a step, death inflicts on you a very convincing sensation that… oh-oh-oh… you’d better not touch that. A heart that derails, it is very convincing, a brain that begins to boil, it is very convincing − there are thousand very convincing ways in the system of death, and everything is convincing, since death reigns since the beginning of times: ‘Every man is mortal,’ isn’t he, the old syllogism is drummed into us from the cradle and it is in our corporeal consciousness. BUT if you catch a beam of the other Sun and if you cling to that one sunbeam in spite of everything, then − and this is my experimental conviction, I could say my physical knowledge − then it will make you go through all signs and symptoms of death, and it is the only thing, the only power that can make you go through the old catastrophe. All our sensations are inventions of death to keep us in its nets, and it is obvious because we are in death, we are more dead than alive, so all our sensations and ‘proofs’ are the sensations and proofs of death. Only that one Sunbeam can make us go through those horrifying and painful appearances. But it CAN − if we want. If we are ready to go through the trial.
Such is the conclusion of my experience.
Death and pain are a Falsehood to be gone through. That ‘beam’ of the other Sun lies in the depths of our corporeal consciousness, under all its atavistic coatings.
We must un-cover it. That is the whole path. And persevere without flinching. That’s the difficulty.
But the ‘lesson’ is long and very total. (Total in the body and in the Earth).
It is probably what Sri Aurobindo summed up in one word: a ‘spell’.
June 20, 1989
Foreword to the Notebooks??
The fundamental fact of life is death. But it seems to me that nothing can be in the universe unless it is for joy. A creation for death and pain is a non-sense.
And it seems so obvious to me (more and more obvious) that that animal body produced by death − countless deaths − has no other sense than to find the secret of non-death in that very body, born from death.
Our species did not find that sense.
When a species fails in finding its sense, it dies or destroys itself.
Religious and scientists have misled us.
Science and Religion have rendered us disabled, stripped of our own means and of our own secret by sending us back to heaven or to the utilitarian Mechanics.
Yes, there was Socrates.
They assassinated Socrates.
February 6, 1990
Mental activity is a completely abnormal function for the body and it disturbs the body. We live in this mental atmosphere as in a natural air, but it’s poisonous for the body.
This harmful and confusing activity will be replaced by a clear, obvious and at the time automatism when necessary. One no longer tries to find out: it’s here and one does it.
And what is not useful is not known – and not done.
This intelligence on which we pride ourselves is a temporary instrument.
In silence, this great Wave unfolds and each thing is at the right place at each moment.
That is to say that each thing is in the Reality and its reality under the fog of Falsehood which envelops everything, corrupts everything and distorts everything.
Then everything becomes exact to the most microscopic detail.
But there’s the collective atmosphere which is a constant difficulty.
March 5, 1990
There’s a phenomenon which repeats itself quite often but that I still can’t understand. It happens usually at the end (or towards the end) of the “operation”. Amidst this crushing of thunder, suddenly, without apparent “reason”, an enormous, almost burning MASS descends (but not “burning” in our physical way), of a formidable density, larger than the body, and when this dense Mass reaches the shoulders and descends, the whole body inflates, as if it were “detaching” itself from its tearing and resisting skeleton, and then this dense Mass descends, inflates everything, and there is no more this usual “crushing”, but it is of such a density – one could say so tremendous – that everything is hanging in the air in the body like in an extraordinary peril through which one has to go without breathing, without quivering, without anything protesting or resisting because everything could burst in a flash. Then there is no more this usual tearing-crushing (and that’s a formidable relief) but it’s of a “light” density (if I dare say so), like air because it rolls and passes by, but an “air”…which could blow up everything. And it’s almost burning, like an enveloping solar Mass (but nothing to do with our degrees centigrade!)
I don’t know what it is. But the body is detached from its hard and tensed anatomy and is like inflated, hyper-inflated by this immaterial density (unlike any other matter) or this dense, hyper-dense air.
What is really amazing is this sensation of the body detaching itself from its skeleton and filling with “something” which is fluid but which could blow up everything.
I am struggling with inadequate words.
April 8, 1990
Life and death = the old species
If life existed I would be dead. If death existed, I’m alive all the same.
This is neither life nor death. This is SOMETHING ELSE.
This New Sun of the Life Divine.
And the New Earth of Sri Aurobindo and Mother.
Divine things are happening.
I give myself the impression of being like a “first” amphibian on the Earth (!)
May 31, 1990
The solid, crushing Masses of Thunder piling up one on top of another without flowing back.
The body like a pillar.
For fifty five minutes.
An ordeal of each second.
Like a passage into another physical nature.
June 3, 1990
In the past there was some sun in this body, it was blossoming and pushing towards the light, now it looks like it’s all dark, without response, basaltic, like a jail without light or a way out, and still it’s the same body- isn’t it?
It’s hard to believe that it’s the same body.
It looks like these dark walls, basaltic and mute, are the body itself – or what’s left of it.
Where in the world is this sunny meadow of the body of old?
There’s something completely incomprehensible.
I don’t see that these walls are ever going to change – they can dissolve, that’s all.
That is to say death once again
But where is it, my sunny meadow?
An untransformable residue which goes in a box, and something else who goes in the air?
It doesn’t seem to me to be the terrestrial solution.
Everything is silent like a tomb, except that I groan and grieve . There are no comforting voices.
One can only knock and knock against these walls, as long as one can.
July 8, 1990
Now that the phenomenon is more “usual” (if I can say so!), I can say that in the midst of this dense “air” or this new descending Mass, there is like a formidable sword of thunder which sinks vertically, imperiously, from the top of the skull to the heels and which crushes everything on its way (probably while lifting up the shoulders and all the rest like when one pushes an object in the “water”). It’s definitely vertical and central as if this sword was going through the spine itself and not by the lateral furrows. I don’t know why but this gives me a sensation of red colour, like a formidable red sword. When this sword has pounded well the bottom of the “cylinder”, a new Mass descends while lifting up the shoulders and the body as if a “dense air” was surrounding or coming with (or was lifted up by) this sword of thunder.
I’m groping in the description of this “something” which would be rather a corporeal earthquake (!).
What was very clear this morning is this kind of straight and central sword of thunder…